Pause

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As some of you may know, I have not worked outside of the home for a salary in about three years. There are a couple of ‘reasons of record’ why this is the case. In my mind, in my spirit, however, there is one reason.  One that was not the the least bit obvious to me at the outset. But around which I have gained much clarity. I have a much better understanding why I was placed in this humbling position. Forced to assume a posture where I have had no choice but to be introspective in a way I have never taken the time or had the inclination to be in my previous 40+ years.

The way I see it, the only way I know to explain it – is that my soul has been placed in a God ordained time out. I recognize that now – and I am grateful in ways that I cannot clearly communicate. But I was not always grateful. Hecks, no! I have experienced a range of emotions, and baby, grateful was not the first one. Or the second. Or even the third.

My very first emotion set the mood for my year-long pity party. You know, the oft heard cry – “why me?”.  I did, this and that and the other thing just as I had been instructed, so why, why God, why are you doing this to ME?. Tantrums. Tears. Turning my household inside out with my emotional outbursts. I covered all the bases. If you’re going to party – party hard, right?

Then just like the college kid who partied a bit too hard, for a little too long only to be peeled off of the streets of fraternity row at the University of the Universe – I was hung over. I was irritable. Angry. Nothing pleased me and everything pissed me off. I ate to try to soak up the pity that had intoxicated me for the previous year, but it was of no comfort. It only made me angrier, as the number on the scale increased in increments of 10 until I was myself plus 40 pounds of pain. Now I had another reason to hate what was happening to me……what I thought I was unable to control.

Act three was perhaps the pinnacle of this tsunami of emotions. Depression. Hopelessness. Giving up, because there was no where else left to go with this shtick. Settling for existing because that was the best I could muster. And I had to muster something, because dammit, these beautiful babies didn’t ask to come here and they deserved a mother who didn’t give up. Even if she was only there in a perfunctory way.  A itstimetogetupforschool, whatdoyouwantforlunch, heregivethistoyourteacher, iloveyouhaveagoodday, illbethereforyourprogram, dontforgetyourwordmasterstestillbethere, howwasschooldoyouhaveanyhomework, whatdoyouwantfordinner, getyourkarateclotheson, itstimetogetreadyfordance, oktakeabathandgotobed, iloveyougoodnight, stepford wife kind of way. But I was functioning. For them.

Then I got tired. Tired of being tired as they say. And I had to do something different. HAD. TO. So I did. A lot of things. Some I’d always wanted to do. Some I never thought I would do. Some I’d never freaking heard of. Some I thought only freaks believed in. Some worked, some didn’t. Some I came up with, some I sought counsel for. I read articles. I started books (I only finished one Eat, Pray, Love :-). I liked Facebook pages. I spammed other peoples Facebook pages with stuff that inspired me (sorry!)

I stopped sleeping in the daytime. Which was much easier, of course, after I stopped letting my mind run in circles all night.  I changed my doctors – ALL of them. I changed my diet – (NOT all of it – I’m a pizza loving work in progress – lol!),  I started making green smoothies. I started moving more. Hell, I started combing my hair again!

I began (and continue) researching what might actually make me feel better. Because guess what? I wanted to feel better. Feeling bad, although it was a long time coming, got old. Who knew wanting to feel better was the first step? I certainly didn’t…..

Which is why I needed to be placed in time out by a higher authority. Because I would have never paused. Not on my own. Thank you, God, for hitting pause. For stopping the music and letting me have a seat in a chair. I’m still working on learning how to play the game – but at least now I know I need to listen to the music and not just concentrate on how to get the next chair…..

Thank God for a universe that has a pause button……

Love and Light!

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10 thoughts on “Pause

    1. Thank you Nieci! And thank you for listening to me cry for an hour that day :-). I am trying to figure out the best way to use the talents God gave me. I realize he gave them to the world in actuality – just using me as a conduit….

  1. Very enlightening! It is very hard to look at yourself and be introspective. Often I think about the way that I react to the way others speak to me. I’m learning everyday to react appropriately and then let it roll off my back. Learning how to listen to my FATHER is half the battle. I admire you for tapping in to your inner self and stopping to listen to the lessons given to you! Kudos!

  2. I’m such a wimp, I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes because I know exactly (well not exactly) how that feels. I had my pity parties, I had given up on so many things. At this particular time in my life (almost 50), I am in the process of finding out who I am (again) and what is it that “I” like. Thank you for this blog and I am looking forward to reading more. ❤

    1. Awww, Cuz, wasn’t trying to make you cry. But when we get to be women of a certain age – we tend to reevaluate things – which is a good thing IMO. Just wish I’d done it 10 yrs ago 😉

    1. John, no it was not a self appraisal. It was a professional one. I do hope to return to work. In all honesty, I feel incomplete without doing what has been so central in my life since I was 15. I do not know. however, what God has in store…..

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