Pause

As some of you may know, I have not worked outside of the home for a salary in about three years. There are a couple of ‘reasons of record’ why this is the case. In my mind, in my spirit, however, there is one reason.  One that was not the the least bit obvious to me at the outset. But around which I have gained much clarity. I have a much better understanding why I was placed in this humbling position. Forced to assume a posture where I have had no choice but to be introspective in a way I have never taken the time or had the inclination to be in my previous 40+ years.

The way I see it, the only way I know to explain it – is that my soul has been placed in a God ordained time out. I recognize that now – and I am grateful in ways that I cannot clearly communicate. But I was not always grateful. Hecks, no! I have experienced a range of emotions, and baby, grateful was not the first one. Or the second. Or even the third.

My very first emotion set the mood for my year-long pity party. You know, the oft heard cry – “why me?”.  I did, this and that and the other thing just as I had been instructed, so why, why God, why are you doing this to ME?. Tantrums. Tears. Turning my household inside out with my emotional outbursts. I covered all the bases. If you’re going to party – party hard, right?

Then just like the college kid who partied a bit too hard, for a little too long only to be peeled off of the streets of fraternity row at the University of the Universe – I was hung over. I was irritable. Angry. Nothing pleased me and everything pissed me off. I ate to try to soak up the pity that had intoxicated me for the previous year, but it was of no comfort. It only made me angrier, as the number on the scale increased in increments of 10 until I was myself plus 40 pounds of pain. Now I had another reason to hate what was happening to me……what I thought I was unable to control.

Act three was perhaps the pinnacle of this tsunami of emotions. Depression. Hopelessness. Giving up, because there was no where else left to go with this shtick. Settling for existing because that was the best I could muster. And I had to muster something, because dammit, these beautiful babies didn’t ask to come here and they deserved a mother who didn’t give up. Even if she was only there in a perfunctory way.  A itstimetogetupforschool, whatdoyouwantforlunch, heregivethistoyourteacher, iloveyouhaveagoodday, illbethereforyourprogram, dontforgetyourwordmasterstestillbethere, howwasschooldoyouhaveanyhomework, whatdoyouwantfordinner, getyourkarateclotheson, itstimetogetreadyfordance, oktakeabathandgotobed, iloveyougoodnight, stepford wife kind of way. But I was functioning. For them.

Then I got tired. Tired of being tired as they say. And I had to do something different. HAD. TO. So I did. A lot of things. Some I’d always wanted to do. Some I never thought I would do. Some I’d never freaking heard of. Some I thought only freaks believed in. Some worked, some didn’t. Some I came up with, some I sought counsel for. I read articles. I started books (I only finished one Eat, Pray, Love :-). I liked Facebook pages. I spammed other peoples Facebook pages with stuff that inspired me (sorry!)

I stopped sleeping in the daytime. Which was much easier, of course, after I stopped letting my mind run in circles all night.  I changed my doctors – ALL of them. I changed my diet – (NOT all of it – I’m a pizza loving work in progress – lol!),  I started making green smoothies. I started moving more. Hell, I started combing my hair again!

I began (and continue) researching what might actually make me feel better. Because guess what? I wanted to feel better. Feeling bad, although it was a long time coming, got old. Who knew wanting to feel better was the first step? I certainly didn’t…..

Which is why I needed to be placed in time out by a higher authority. Because I would have never paused. Not on my own. Thank you, God, for hitting pause. For stopping the music and letting me have a seat in a chair. I’m still working on learning how to play the game – but at least now I know I need to listen to the music and not just concentrate on how to get the next chair…..

Thank God for a universe that has a pause button……

Love and Light!